Random Feelings of Ugh!

I don't really know what my deal is lately, but I feel like I am slipping into some sort of depression. Not the I hate my life, I want to die kind of depression though. Its more the I have no motivation, I can't sleep, or I can sleep but want to sleep all day kind. I make plans of things to do and never follow through with them. I pretty much do just enough to get by. The more the "stuff" piles up, the more overwhelmed I become, but still I have no desire to do the stuff. I should be happy. Other than money problems things are going good, and even the money problems are nothing to have a stroke about. I think my problem is that I know I need change. I do not like change. I need a new job, but the thought of a new job brings on much anxiety. I am uncomfortable in a new setting, meeting new people, and just newness in general. Its weird that I still feel this way. I am not nearly as shy as I use to be, and I have a lot more self confidence than I used to. Still the idea of meeting that many new people at once makes me very anxious. I think I am just socially awkward. I am the listener and the advice giver, but not very good at the conversation starter upper. I want to be a teacher which means I have to meet new kids and parents every year, so I need to get over this. Its the parents more than the kids that frighten me. Kids are easy. They give it to you straight. Adults, well they are different. They tell you what you want to hear, they have ulterior motives, and they are hard to trust. I know I do not need to trust these people, but a part of me wants to believe that people are good for the most part. However, people care too much about what other people think which is why most of them do a great job making me question my people are good theory. I don't really know where I am going with this so I am done.....for now.

A Kinda Sorta Maybe Poem

Get out of my head, get out of my dreams




What's in my heart you will not see.


These walls go up to keep you out,


And you will never break them down.


I keep these walls up so I won't cry,


And I won't be dissapointed when you lie.


Sure i'm lonely, sure i'm sad.


Sometimes I think some comfort wouldn't be bad


But I can't trust you or anyone else


Because you all will let me down


I have been broke to many time so i won't give trust another try


It's easier to be cold because you are too


But sometimes i wish for something new


I try to lock you out but you always win


Without even deserving it you find your way in


These walls fall down and i get hurt,


Left to pull myself out of the dirt.